On My Own

Shhhh.

Listen.

Do you hear that?



Me neither. It's oddly quiet. I hear only the hum of my lap top and the gurgling of the hotel coffee maker. I'm alone, on my own, in a hotel room in Arizona.



I'm currently on day four of a five day trip that I'm taking by myself. Yes, DH and the kids are at home. I'm not entirely sure who the boss is back at the homestead but I can confidently note that it's not me. I'm hundreds of miles away in an entirely different state. I have no influence on the nutritional value of the 5 year old's lunch or whether or not the nearly 2 yr old girl consumes a two week old Cheerio that she finds under the couch.



It's pure heaven!
Or is it?



When at home and in the midst of battles over all things parenting I find myself longing for some time away, for a break. Yes, while in the trenches the very thought of spending some time alone in a hotel room seems like only a dream. Now that I'm experiencing it I find myself longing for chaos.



Don't get me wrong, climbing into a perfectly appointed bed without worrying about the potential for DH's snoring was wonderful. Taking a long, hot, uninterrupted shower that didn't involve kicking bathtub crayons and a pirate ship out of the way was glorious. Waking up and getting ready for the day while sipping coffee, listening to my ipod, not worrying about whether or not my daughter had peed through her PJ's was fantastic. Being allowed to focus solely on getting Tanya, the professional business women, accountant, Controller, ready for a conference was grand.

To a point.



Tanya the, professional business woman, accountant, Controller, is just a portion of my being and while that portion is content and quite pleased at being the focus of life Tanya, the Mom of two children and wife of a darling husband, whom she loves, is unhappy with the current state of things. Her heart is not happy, something is missing.

Clearly I can not be pleased. While surrounded by chaos I long quiet. When blessed with the gift of silence, chaos is what I long for.

So, tonight I will sit back and enjoy the silence I've been blessed with. I will enjoy a long, hot, bath listening not to children screaming but to Josh Groban serenade me via my Ipod. Tomorrow I will get myself ready while not having to worry about whether or not LJ's USC jersey was washed. Yes, I am deciding to truly enjoy the balance of my break. I will not apologize for this.

I also refuse to apologize for potentially waking up my 20 month old when I go into her room to see her or for covering my boys (big and little) with kisses when I get home from the airport tomorrow night.